One of the most common adages, “life is short,” rings incredibly true for me lately. I am unsure as to whether it’s because I am nearing 40, or because I have watched others experience loss, battle sickness, or struggle with extraordinarily heavy things recently. Perhaps this epiphany of mine is an oddly beautiful mixture of all of the above.
Isn’t it ironic that this cliche of only having so much time, is something all of us know but often don’t pay attention to until our world is shattered. Insurmountable what ifs, or should haves plague too many I love, and I feel myself falling victim to the same sad story; going through the motions, living for others, focusing on what I feel pressured to do rather than doing what I want. Hell, I am not even sure I know what I want, I have lost myself. A piece of me is in everyone else, and it seems like I have forgotten to preserve some of myself for me.
To be clear, this is not some frivolous notion of doing as I please, whatever I want when I want. But, rather, it’s an acknowledgement of what I truly have not done in far too long.
When did we decide to put autopilot on? Why have we learned to refuse and fear spontaneity? How have we become so desperately mundane that we often wish the time away? I too, have been scooped up by the adulting machinery- show up, pick up, be up, shut up. Do more, pick more, be more. Do it all, because, well… because that is what I am supposed to do.
I am expected to behave. I am expected to be there. I am expected to show up… for everyone but me. However, when I do show up for me, authentically, unapologetically, fully for me- I am repeatedly judged. I can be teflon if needed, let those judgements slip away, down the drain and into the belly of the world. But, it was a weekend like I just had: in the mountains, with people I enjoy being around, celebrating a young man who is not with us that made me realize, all the times I have said “someday,” are now necessary ”todays.”
So this afternoon when I had to walk to my car in the rain that we have so desperately needed, I didn’t run. I didn’t cover my head. Instead, I looked up, felt the drops on my face and I smiled.
Someday can be today if I want it to be.
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