“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.”
These words were recently gifted to me. They were said to me in a moment of my life where I not only needed them, I understood them.
We often hear things that we need to hear. Positive, negative, disruptive, constructive, expansive, coercive, supportive and intuitive. We receive them, accept them, and embrace them because they’re necessary for us to move forward in whatever we must move forward with.
But when we hear something needed while also understanding, fully, intimately, exhaustively; that is where the gift lies.
For as long as I can remember I have lit small fires in myself at the behest of others. Sometimes the fires have been mere sparks igniting action and outcomes for others, whereas others have mimicked flickers just large enough to illuminate answers or a clear path for them to take.
Lately, though, the fires I’ve lit are full-on flames dancing circles around me, casting shadows in places I need light the most.
I now realize how ridiculously good I am at building fires. A spark to a flicker to flames; and they’ve warmed everyone but me.
To have fire, there must be fuel and fuel is expensive. I am broke.
So, what happens when I run out of fuel? When I can’t build the fires, when the sparks are lost and all that’s left are ashes? All that’s left is me…
As a woman; a daughter, sister, aunt, wife, mother, friend, colleague, employee, educator, advocate, mentor and more - I have always thought I was solely responsible to keep everyone around me warm.
But… this is not required of me. I understand that now.
And so I must ask myself, how am I staying warm?
What’s my fuel? What sets me on fire?
When I’m able to warm myself consistently, truly, without guilt or pressure, then I can appropriately and effectively use my flame to warm others.
In the end, this is for the women who have been simultaneously burning and freezing. The women who have continuously kept themselves ablaze to wrap everyone around them in warmth. The women finding fuel in the ashes, building, developing and sustaining some sort of flame in everyone else. Keeping the fire going, because they think they must.
Find your fuel. Ignite your flame first.
Nurture it, fuel it, protect it. Do it because you are worth keeping warm, too.
Then, when you’re warm enough (and only then), share a spark. Perhaps we’d all be a little warmer if we fueled our own fires for a while, and didn’t expect the women in our lives to stay smoldering.
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