It feels as though 2021 has been off to a tumultuous start, a year in which most people fear will be all too similar to 2020, including myself. For some time now, it’s as though we have been watching a less than mediocre black and white film depicting black versus white (literally and figuratively). Something that you just cannot stop watching, wishing for a happy ending, urging the characters to bust out of rigid boxes and blur the lines; walk towards the gray, be the gray, for the love of god, someone become gray! Sadly, the film ends in more of the same, an almost predictable never ending cycle of anger and frustration with many people complaining but far too few offering or proposing solutions. This movie isn’t just about politics either, it is about life, it is about anything right now, because everything just feels utterly overwhelming.
Well, I am hoping to end that cycle for myself this year. I want to propose solutions with candid yet carefully worded advice, listen with more open ears, take action and “do” with a more willful heart and continue to not apologize for my passion and vigor. I want to do this because I can. Because I am in a position where I have far fewer worries than the majority of the population at this moment. Because I am needed right now, whether that need is personal to my family and friends who just need an extra ear or extra love, locally in my neighborhood charities and organizations, or in a larger capacity.
Interestingly, I came to this conclusion last night, when I was trying to fold sheets. Folding fitted sheets is the worst (expletive) thing ever, I thought to myself. And then I stood, angry and alarmed all at once. Angry because I felt idiotic as no youtube tutorial or online step-by-step pictorial guide could help me fold the damned sheets, and alarmed because it was an incredibly selfish and privileged thing to think given the current circumstances.
I am not (too) worried about a job. I am not wondering whether I am going to be able to stay in my home, where my child will be getting his next meal, or fearing for his life. I am not faced with choosing between paying rent or buying groceries. I am not waiting for news of a loved one who is sick, unable to say a last goodbye in person. I am not walking thousands of miles because my war torn or hurricane ravaged country is no longer a place I can survive in. I am folding sheets and I am pissed about it.
It is okay to be pissed about trivial things, sure, but it is not okay to let that privileged anger build up until I lose sight of how lucky I am to be worrying about folding fitted sheets. I did not beat myself up for my thought process either, I merely put it into perspective - I was tired, I was annoyed, and I let myself be those things for a good minute. Then, I moved on. I went downstairs and got a good laugh in with my husband about it (he admitted he thinks it is “impossible” to fold the damn sheets nicely). After, I snuggled with my son who was full bellied and happy and I fell asleep watching a football game. How freaking ordinary and lovely.
Instead of blaming the fitted sheets (they are terrible, though), the creators of the tutorials I couldn’t complete, my husband for not folding them, my son for being noisy in that moment, the world for whatever, I took a deep breath and I asked myself, will this matter tomorrow? No, no it won’t, and thank god for that.
I didn’t displace my frustration and anger, I owned it and I dealt with it. I vow to do that more, with bigger things than sheets, I promise. I am going to encourage family and friends in whatever ways they need, even if it is just validating their need for recognition, or checking in when I can. I am going to write more letters and make more calls proposing solutions to problems to my local, state and federal representatives. I am going to keep writing, keep trying to spread understanding, middle ground and empathy. I am going to keep reading, keep laughing, keep compartmentalizing and keep being kind to myself. Because I can. Because I have worked to get my head and heart to a point where I can place more positive emphasis outward, it feels good.
Be kind to yourself, it will allow you to do so much more.
That is my Monday perspective.
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