I need some time away. A moment to myself; purely, utterly, solely me. No answering to anyone. No feeling obligated or responsible or guilty. Silence and sweet serenity.
Lately, I think I have forgotten who I am. Or is it that I’ve forgotten who I was? So stuck in the motions of working, living, taking care of things- so many things, that I have become almost unrecognizable. Not in appearance necessarily, but in spirit and zeal, in motion and in hope.
Then I took a walk. I paused all of the things and tried my best to be okay, stopping in the middle- of housework and work-work and mom-work and wife-work and meal planning-work and self-work and life-work. I thought about not thinking about all the work I must do. The thinking of not thinking made me think of why I can’t stop thinking. When in fact I realized, the not thinking was the hardest work in the end.
I stayed quiet on the trail. I stayed quiet off the trail. I looked for little glimpses of beauty and myself. Hoping I’d have an epiphany, in between the pops of color and filtered sunshine. Dreaming I’d find myself after relishing in the sound of forest under my feet and a breeze sweeping my hair into my face. Wishing I could remember myself like I remember the smell of pine and fresh fallen leaves.
Have I forgotten, or is it that I am a changed woman? Years have gone by. Years of uncertainty and change, drastic change; to me, to my path, to society, to the world at large. Years of happiness and adventure; unknown, uncharted adventures- for me, for you and for everyone in between. To stay the same in such shifting sands is a feat even I don’t dare to attempt.
Is the girl I was, fit for the current world? Is the woman I once was able to tackle all the things, all at once? Perhaps these days I know exactly who I am; who I have become and was always meant to be. I just needed a moment away. A few minutes to breathe. To feel. To think.
I need some time away.
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