I watched as he ran excitedly to the playground’s entrance. His little cobra head covering bobbing up and down with every hurried step. He was so happy and proud to wear his “cobra ninja” costume to the town’s Halloween parade.
Not a minute into us being there, as I was leaning up against the slide lost in my thoughts, I felt a little tap on my arm. “Mommy, that boy just said my costume was really dumb.” Pointing toward an older boy, around 10.
I turned to my husband, eyes wide, speechless, unable to look at Alden’s quivering lip any longer. How do I respond? What should I say? Is this one of those teachable moments where I am supposed to let him figure it out to teach and model resilience? Do I scoop him up and tell him that everything will be okay and to not listen to that mean boy? Should I dismiss it as “not a big deal” and urge him to keep playing?
In reality, what I really wanted to do is march up to the punk that called out my happy, pure, joyful boy for absolutely no reason and tell him that I thought he was really dumb and if he had any more to say, he could say it to me. **add your expletives of your choice to those inner thoughts, there were plenty of them in my mind at the moment to be honest.
“You know what you do, buddy?” my husband saw my terror and jumped in.
He held his hands up in a playful attack position and continued, “you go right up to him and say RAHHHHHHHHH do you think it is dumb, NOW?”
Alden smiled slightly, started to giggle, turned back to look at the boy, hesitated, and then went about playing once again. My husband and I smiled triumphantly at one another, thinking that the damage was limited to a brief moment of angst.
About an hour later during the parade, however, it was clear the damage had been done. Alden asked to take the head covering off and when I asked him why, he said “because it’s stupid.”
I let him take it off. I didn’t want him to feel any more uncomfortable than he was, but I would be lying if a little piece of me wasn’t feeling helpless and broken at that moment. I set the cute little snake head on the chair next to me and didn’t mention it again. I watched him dance around to the marching bands, and squeal with delight as candy was thrown his way.
After letting my anger fester, and pondering why I froze in a moment that I am usually so take-charge on, I began thinking about the little boy who was unkind to Alden. Even though my mama bear instincts didn’t want to settle down, the rational side of me had decided that I feel sorry for him.
What prompts someone, young or old, to say something unkind to someone they do not know? Completely out of the blue. Unprompted?
What motivates a person to go out of their way to make someone else feel bad?
To me, this is a learned behavior. That little boy is emulating something that has either happened to him directly, or mimicking behavior he has learned from his surroundings.
Perhaps he wanted to make someone else feel the way he was feeling, or has felt at some point in his little life? Or, maybe he wanted to solicit a reaction because saying negative things is the only way he will get attention?
Thankfully, or not depending on your perspective, Alden and I have had conversations like this since he began understanding more of what PreK and school entails. Some kids are going to do naughty things. Sometimes kids will be mean and hurtful. Even though it is hard, we have to try thinking about what that person is feeling at the moment. Why is it they may want to hit or push someone? Why are they saying mean things?
The answers vary and we have discussed various possibilities. Some kids don’t know any better. Some kids can’t help it. Some kids may not know how to appropriately show their anger, frustration or big feelings. “Maybe they are just having a really bad day, Mommy.”
No matter the reason behind it, the only thing in our control is how we react to it. We can react with equal anger and frustration, or, we can react with kindness and understanding.
This is such a hard thing to explain to a five year old. In fact, most adults I know cannot fully grasp the concept, myself included. My knee jerk reaction was to go yell at another child, afterall. And, to be fair, there are times to stand up and put an end to the behavior or actions of someone we feel is out of control. But how do we know when? Who dictates to us what is acceptable and what is not?
The answer to that is complicated. As children, we look to the important people in our lives for guidance in behavior. These are people we look up to, individuals we idolize and want to emulate. Whether the person is a parent, sibling, family member, teacher, celebrity or religious leader, hard lessons are learned in small moments they don’t even realize are being watched. A look, a motion, a sign, an eye roll, a comment, a phone conversation, a reaction. They are all being scrutinized.
And that is wild. To think you may be that person in a child’s life is heavy; don’t let that weight stop you from trying harder. It actually is easier to be kind. More adults should try it.
Today’s song is Morgan Wade’s “Through Your Eyes” - Thanks to Justin for introducing me to her music, this song was actually perfect for my thoughts today.
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