I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness. Trying to define it, understand it, spread it, and ultimately, how to keep it. I have had conversations with friends, loved ones, coworkers and even students about happiness and reality; how the two are intertwined and seemingly mutually symbiotic. How does one achieve happiness and fulfillment while also staying grounded and realistic? In a world where we are flooded with doctored images and videos, unrealistic portrayals of beauty alongside glamorous depictions of day to day living, it is ridiculously hard to keep in mind things aren’t always what they seem.
How many screaming and crying takes did the blogger have to take before they captured the perfect image of smiling, happy children in adorably matched outfits with a cute letter board preaching some positive message?
What angle did the beauty blogger have their assistant hold the camera, what expensive lighting was used, what ways did they have to contort their body and for how long, in order to get that shot of their ass or chiseled abs?
What did the kitchen really look like after baking cupcakes with those kids? And does everyone wear their best clothes, make up, or have their hair done when working from home or doing these types of things?
How many times did the parent ask their child to do that funny dance, or silly song so they could get it all on video to post for the chance at some extra likes and perhaps 30 seconds of fame on a morning show for being inspiring or cheeky?
The list could go on. Obviously I am aware some moments are pure and captured candidly, however, the vast majority are NOT and we need to be aware of that. Seeking the gratification and acceptance of strangers, or people we haven’t spoken to in years serves a paradoxical purpose. It can make us happy, feel accepted and validated, but it can also leave us feeling empty and wanting, needing… more. So, can it really be happiness, then? I am also aware this may seem hypocritical of me, after all, I am writing a blog now, I have a social media presence, I am using my social media to help on this new journey for me, or whatever you want to call it. But, my aims do not include perpetuating a perfect image. I want to be so authentic my audience finds me annoying. Just kidding. Kind of.
In 2016 when I had my son, Alden, my stepmom gave me a framed needlework piece of art. It has a saying on it and includes some embroidered butterflies and flowers. Admittedly, I wasn’t super keen about it at first, it wasn’t really the same “style” as any of my other decor. But, I liked the saying, it was from someone I care about and it was thoughtful so I hung it in my son’s bedroom knowing it wouldn’t be center stage in my home. It was on the wall next to his rocker, and I stared at that little frame quite a lot those late nights and early mornings.
It reads: “Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”
In the hours of staring at that saying, sometimes bleary eyed, sometimes clear headed, sometimes distracted, sometimes joyful, sometimes frustrated, one would think I completely understood it. I thought I did. Back then, I would have told you I did. I mean- I can read, I can analyze, I can explain things to people in simple terms. I am forever an educator. But, I didn’t GET IT. I am still not even sure I get it in its totality right now, but I understand it enough to have it in my bathroom, to remind me every single day about happiness.
Happiness is a state of being which means it is fluid, it fluctuates, it is ever-changing. Happiness is not static, it is not even definable in my opinion. Technically, the definition of happiness is “a state of well-being and contentment; joy.” But this is because we like things to be defined. We need to put things into neat boxes; this is our fight or flight instinct in the 21st century. We like to be able to predict and plan and judge in order to “survive.” So we define things that are probably not the best things to create definitions for.
Think about this for just 10 seconds: what makes you content or full of joy?
Sometimes for me it is cooking. I love tinkering in the kitchen, creating something delicious and the fulfillment of someone else enjoying it. But, sometimes I LOATHE cooking. Like when I am pushed for time, quelling a crying child, a hangry husband, dinner guests coming that I am anxious about pleasing. When it becomes a chore, it does not bring me joy.
Other times it is hiking or walking with the dogs. Fresh air, the sound of birds, sunshine, stretching my legs, finding a few moments to think and breathe. Until Daisy finds mud and shakes everything on to me, Waylon kills a bird or aggressively barks at the brand new puppy passing by. Then I wonder why I even went on that damned walk in the first place, why I decided to bring the dogs along, or why I wanted the dogs at all.
I find joy in doing fun, creative things with Alden, my son. Planning a cool craft, a neat idea for a game outside, buying a new toy and seeing his eyes light up because of something new. Until he gets frustrated and cries because he cannot complete the craft perfectly, or he spends 5 minutes outside and decides he would rather watch a cartoon. Watching his wonderment turn into angst at the drop of a dime makes all the joy I had expected, drain out of me drip by painful drip.
The point here is that lots of things bring me joy and contentment. But when I do those things, they do not keep me full of joy, or in a never ending state of contentment. They are moments in time and they flitter about, just like butterflies.
I find the more I push to BE happy or PLAN things that bring me joy, the more expectations there are. When the activity doesn’t fully meet those expectations, the disappointment is real. Instead, I do my best to just allow those moments of happiness to flit about; in and out of the dinner prep, throughout my walk or in short bursts of activities with Alden.
If I am realistic about it, I find more contentment and joy, without even trying to be content or joyful. I know I will not always be happy just like I will not always be sad or frustrated or tired or angry either. That is realistic. And, at this point, I don’t need validation for any of it. I guess in the end, I don’t look at the glass half full or half empty- it is just there, with butterflies.
And that is my Monday Perspective.
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