I am 37 years old and I have a zit. It is ruminating under my skin, I can see it is almost ready to bubble to the surface, and I can certainly feel it. And the bags under my eyes, what in the hell is happening to me?
For me, this means I am either eating badly or stressed. And although I like to treat myself here and there, I eat pretty well. Thus, I have come to the conclusion the reason for this monstrosity is the latter.
This post won’t be long, as I just can’t. But I want to be as real as possible here, so I took a few minutes to write how I feel. I think many people will identify with feeling this way at some moment throughout the past year. And if you don’t and you think I am just a whiny bitch, bummer. The irony is, last week’s “Monday Perspectives” was about happiness and this post is not; all the more proof that happiness is not a permanent state of being.
I have hit a wall.
I am tired of the pandemic. I am sick of the snow and shit-tastic weather (we have gotten four feet at this point, and although I enjoy the seasons, I am OVER IT). I am tired of being cooped up inside because of the pandemic and the weather. I am sick of doing dishes. I am sick of doing laundry. I am sick of the never ending dog hair and dust and the bathroom cleaning and the shoveling and the upkeep. I am tired of watching “Dino Dan - Trek’s Adventures”. I am tired of playing “Blue and Owen” with my son and then instantly feeling guilty about feeling that way. I am sick of questioning myself when I do go out for a tiny bit or see someone for a smidge of adult interaction. I am over not having an ounce of alone time with my husband, and thinking that if we did have some time, we would not even know how to use it. I am tired of reaching out and checking in. I am tired of constantly being “on” for my four year old, my husband, my dogs, my students, my friends, everything and everyone. It isn’t that I don’t love those people or doing those things, it is just that I am tired and I need a minute.
Yes working virtually has its perks, as does working part time, but right now I feel isolated and I feel useless and I feel frustrated. I am sick of wondering what the next steps are for me in my professional life. What will I do? What path will I take? What should I do? Am I a failure? Did I make a mistake? I am tired of reminding myself to be thankful for this time with my son and feeling fortunate in all other ways. I am sick of feeling as though I have to defend my decisions and explain the sacrifices I have made to anyone, but mostly I am tired of defending and explaining them to myself.
And, while I write this, I have had my 10 minute pity party.
So what is the point here? No matter how fortunate you may be, how awesome your life is or great your circumstances are, when you need it (and everyone some time, some place, will need it) give yourself a little pity party. Then, take a breath, LET THAT SHIT GO, and move on.
And that is my Monday Perspective.
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