Monday Perspectives - Are you okay?

“Mommy, are you okay? Did I do something?”

Insert a lump in my throat.

No, no, not a lump. A gut punch. A pull yourself together and get out of your own damn way reality check.

He’s watching. He’s evaluating and wondering and understanding. He is growing and learning and worrying. God, why is he worrying?

I’ve spent almost my entire life worrying. I worried about whether or not what I was (or was not) doing was angering anyone. I worried that I was the cause of things, anything. I worried that I was doing too much, or that I wasn’t doing enough. I worried that I wasn’t enough.

I’ve done a lot of apologizing. For things I should of course, but namely for many things I shouldn’t have. I’ve explained things away that shouldn’t have to be explained and I have let things slide that should never have been accepted. I have, at times, been complacent and culpable.

I now own these things. I know what I have done to prolong and exacerbate uncomfortable situations, broken relationships and irreparable damage to memories or key events in my life. But now, I have a little human who is sensing I am not okay and blaming himself.

Hiding emotions is good for no one. Leaving unanswered questions and unsorted anger will inevitably surface in ways that are unflattering and cynical. Working to process the past, owning mistakes, understanding motivations and re-learning key life lessons through a new lens is excruciatingly exhausting. And although I am exhausted, none of these things are my son’s fault.

“No buddy, I’m not okay right now, but it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Thanks for checking on me! You’re such a sweet boy.”

And that he is, and so much more. More than enough.

Today's song is An Ocean by The Tallest Man on Earth - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSCEypk4JPg&list=RDXSCEypk4JPg&start_radio=1&rv=XSCEypk4JPg&t=131