Boundaries. They’re a funny thing.
Google Definition: noun
plural noun: boundaries
a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. "the eastern boundary of the wilderness"
a limit of a subject or sphere of activity.
"a community without class or political boundaries"
Boundaries are important. Boundaries are necessary. Set boundaries for yourself, for others. Any therapist, life coach, friend, self-help blog or book you encounter will most likely include a “boundaries” section. And I always find myself intrigued, nodding along, agreeing - yes, boundaries! I need boundaries! And when it comes down to it, I struggle. I start, and then I stop just short of finishing that line, that limit.
Sure, boundaries keep others out, but they also keep you in. In order for a boundary to work, it means the responsibility is on the one drawing the line to uphold the boundary. You have to be resigned to holding yourself accountable and be okay with your decision to draw the line… the “dividing line” as the definition states. You have to stay steadfast in your conviction, in the limit, in the line. Boundaries are quite black and white and for those of us who live in various shades of gray, boundaries become an enemy of sorts. The type of enemy that you’re envious of.
When I see someone set a clear boundary with what looks like ease, I am jealous.
I wish I could do that. I think.
or Damn, how rude, how blunt.
But is it? Is that boundary-maker being rude, or is she just preserving her peace? Is the line-holder blunt or is she merely letting you know the expectation ahead of time?
Saying no is hard. In theory it is just a word. It only has two letters and one syllable, so why is it so damn hard to say? Because, many of us feel we cannot just say no.
We have to explain. We have to elaborate. We have to justify the boundary set forth. There are almost always caveats, judgements, buts, what-ifs, or kinks in the armor, weaknesses in the boundary we feel we must defend.
Because no is hard, boundaries are hard. Because boundaries make us accountable, we must not allow someone else’s discomfort or anger at the boundary, interrupt the line drawn in self preservation, protection or empowerment.
And as I write this, I know damn well tomorrow I will still be stuck in a gray abyss of boundary contemplation.
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